I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you never un-have a 4some
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
