remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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