All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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