apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish you could order shots online.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
