i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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