everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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