i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
