I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
