He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
