"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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