im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
