Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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