i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im six kinds of drunk right now
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
