mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
