apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
