Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
