There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
