just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
