I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Mom said you looked used
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
