If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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