apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
