She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
