i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
