my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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