i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
