I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
