Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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