Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
