apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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