Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
