It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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