i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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