Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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