he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
