I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
