Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
