I am spending my child support on dildos
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
