my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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