Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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