I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
