"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
