Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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