u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
