I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize