I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
