I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
