my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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