grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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