By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
