I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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