Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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