you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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