hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
And then my night got REAL pukey
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
