i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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