you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
