Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
