It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
