Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
