He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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