Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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