Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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