after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I intend to get homeless drunk
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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